The Unattractive Reaction

Been on four dates with Vegas Victor. What a great guy. Very attentive, generous, thoughtful, conversational... I really have no complaints. Except that I am not attracted to him. And I truly wish I was. We connect so well intellectually, spiritually, and emotionally. Just not physically. Can a budding relationship survive this? Does attraction grow over time?

On our fourth date, I needed to tell Victor that it was becoming clear my attraction for him was not growing, and that I saw him more as a close friend than anything else. He was making it clear he had romantic feelings for me, so I tried my best to bring this up delicately and with class. I was anticipating it to be somewhat awkward because it always is when you have to deliver a hard message... but I was NOT expecting the button-eye-popping kind of awkward.

Ann = "Victor, I have something hard to discuss with you, but it's important so I am going to try to get it out. It's become quite clear to me that I think of you more as a close friend than a romantic partner."

Victor = "Is it an attraction thing?"

Ann (Yes he asked that. I nearly vomitted) = "Well I feel like it's rude to say attraction is a problem. I would say that I am more attracted to you as a friend."

Victor, with hands framing around his face like a camera = "Is it my face??"

Ann (OHMYGOD did he just ask me that?!?!) = "No, we are not going there Victor."

Victor = "So are you saying there is no chance, now or ever in the future? You are 100% sure you will never want more than friendship with me, ever?"

Ann = "Umm... well Victor all I can say is how I am feeling right now. And right now I only feel for you as a friend."

Victor = "Well what's your definition of friendship?"

Ann = "I will have to really think that over."

As you can see, it didn't go well. I wasn't prepared for the questions. And we aren't talking at this point. Pretty crappy ending to what I thought was a very cool connection. Maybe I didn't handle it well?? Maybe time will smooth things over?? Ugh. I have pulled some of my yarn hair out over this one...

One Size Does Not Fit All

If a man's profile says he is 6'3", does that mean that once when he was wearing shoes and had his hair spiked up a bit he was measured at a friends house with non standardized devices to be somewhere in the proximation of a 6 footer? Sorry Chris... it was fun grabbing a beer with you the other night but if you exaggerate about your height it does not bode well either for your inteligence or your integrity. Being a bit harsh? Too 'raggedy' an edge on this topic? Sorry. Being a tall woman means being rejected a lot in the dating world because of your height. I am lashing out.

Please be accurate gentlemen with at least the length of your body's stature... within a plus-or-minus one inch deviation. That's all I ask.

For the record, I'm not height-prejudice. I have definitely dated men shorter than me. Stop laughing. Most of the world is shorter than me (particularly among the Central Americans). And I have had awesome loving relationships with shorter men. The caveat being that they like me and my height.

Dated Joey in high school and early college. He was a whopping 5'6". There was no hiding the height difference. Joey was very thick and muscular so I used to joke that our surface area was actually the same (if that perplexes you please google 'surface area' - it's a geometric joke). I dated another guy in recent years named Hayden who was 5'10". He loved my height and always asked me to wear heals, then paraded me around like I was his model. He was proud of it. And both men made me feel very feminine, and I like to think I helped them feel masculine.

The date with Chris was fine other than the fact that the height issue did seem to be... well... an issue. One size does not fill all. Next please.

Saggy Nick, Shallow Ann

On impulse, I violated one of my own rules about not dating someone older than my Big Brother, and met Nick for a drink. Seems as though when people email me about Scrabble (I mention it in my profile because I can beat almost anyone at it and that's... well... important for people to know, right??) it opens a soft place in my heart and I get irrational. Anyway, the two hour date went fine. We actually had quite a bit in common, including places we've lived, our careers, passion for volleyball, etc. The conversation flowed easily, was balanced, and there were lots of laughs.

So this is why I hate myself:

1. He looks old, and I have a problem with it.

Who am I to judge a book by its cover? But alas... Nick is 38 and looks it. Has slightly weathered skin (aka, "saggy"), pronounced smile lines, graying hair, and wore stone washed jeans. Truthfully not a bad looking guy for nearly being 40, and a little fashion help would go a long way. But as I sat across from him, my immature ego was literally saying I am waaaaaay too young for him. My smile lines only show up when I'm really tired! I pull out the few grays hairs that I can find! And though my Raggedy Fashion could use some polishing of it's own, I certainly know enough not to role my jeans anymore. Yes I am resisting "looking" older, and walking arm in arm with a saggy 38 year old won't help my facade. Damn Ann. Don't have to worry about drowning in this pool of shallowness.

2. He asked me out on a second date, and I said "Yes".

To make matters worse, I didn't have the courage to say to him at the end of our pleasant date that I wasn't interested in him romantically. I cowarded out, and sheepishly said I would join him in a movie sometime soon. Maybe I am hoping once I venture out on date #2, that magically he will look younger and more appetizing. Or that I will recover from my obvious ageism and give a good guy a chance.

I think this is one of those things men hate about women. Sorry gentlemen. I lamed out.